Learning Dating Social Cues When you Have Autism

Q: "What would you recommend to help a beginner learn about how to build a relationship from a step by step perspective? I am asking because I have autism and we take it for granted that everyone learns this without teaching, which for people with autism isn't always the case."

A: I would definitely agree that people don't get taught that not everyone can learn social cues without teaching. I think everyone would benefit from that information! Maybe if you have neurotypical friends you can ask them and explain what's challenging for you. Don't base your understanding of dating on TV and movies. That's not good for anyone. Every situation is different so it is difficult to give you a step-by-step guide. Let the relationship develop naturally, don't try to find a role they need to fill and have good standards for how you should be treated in a new relationship but don't have too many expectations cause you need to let it grow into its own shape.

Dating when you need help

Q: “I use a wheelchair and need help with everyday activities like eating and drinking. I just met someone I want to ask out on a date, but I’m not sure how to ask or how our date would work?”

A: This is a great question and not talked about nearly enough.

The first thing you need to remember is dating is always awkward at first, no matter if you’re disabled or able-bodied.

As for asking someone out, be casual and just say “Hey, do you want to grab coffee or lunch?” When they say yes (and they will say yes) you can casually explain how the date logistics will work. If you have just met someone, you probably will not want them to help you eat and drink. You want them to focus on learning how awesome you are! You should focus on getting to know them too and not on teaching them how to assist you. However, bringing an aide can be awkward at first. So in my opinion (and experience), explaining why you want a helper to accompany you to the first date is a good idea. You can even explain how on future dates, once you two are comfortable with each other, that an aide won’t be necessary.

Also, I think you should have a conversation with your aide about how long you need them to stay (for example, just for the meal)  and when to “take a walk” (I just point to the colon sign on my letter board and my aide casually excuses themselves). I think having an aide close in age helps you to not feel chaperoned. But if you discuss it with all parties, it shouldn’t matter how old your aide is. If your cutie has questions about how the date will work, that’s not a bad sign. In fact, it’s a great sign because that means they’re thinking about your needs.

On subsequent dates, if your cutie wants to learn how to help you eat and drink, your aide can show them rather than you trying to explain. Dating and needing help with certain things is a little more tricky but if you have good communication, it can be totally cool.

Non-Binary and Bi

Q: "I'm non-binary and bi, recently started exploring that side of things. I've really only dated men, had a few purely sexual experiences with women. As a person that was born F, how can I get out of that ""friend-zone"" with women who are seeing both my disability and bio gender before a sexual/datable partner?

This was after spending new years on a kind of date that ended with ""My great pal ... using f pronouns..."

A: That’s annoying that your “date” did that. I would say definitely move out of your friend circle to look for people to date. Online dating is great because you can be explicit about exactly what you want. Most apps allow you to select your correct gender identity now. If you want to see the person from New Years again, (and I completely get if you don’t) you could have a frank conversation with them about your pronouns and what you want from the relationship.