Chronic Fatigue and Surgeries & Maintaining Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship

Q: “My partner and I haven’t had sex for a long time - months, maybe even 6 months to a year because of all of my recent surgeries and chronic fatigue. How can I make sure we are meeting each other’s needs, even when I feel horrible?”




A: Thanks for the question. I have a few ideas. Mutual masturbation is a good way to get off but you don’t have to exert a lot of energy. If you don’t have the energy or ability to get off yourself, you can instruct your partner exactly how you want them to get themselves off. This way you are exerting less energy but are still involved. Talking dirty is also a great low energy way to still connect with your partner and make them feel sexy. You don’t even need to act on what you say to them. Lastly, talk to your partner and explain how you feel. Ask them what they need to feel fulfilled and maybe brainstorm together more creative ways to create sexual intimacy.

Porn with people with disabilites

Q: “Any recs on porn or porn stars, sites, or films who are disabled, without being fetishized? Generally looking to watch some great porn, with people who happen to have visible disabilities.”

A: Unfortunately there is not a lot of quality representation of people with disabilities in the porn industry. As you mentioned, most porn that does have PwDs fetishizes them. The only example that comes to mind is this video featuring a gay quadriplegic porn star. There so needs to be more porn that features people of all abilities! There is a lot of demeaning and degrading porn with PwDs, there needs to more realistic and empowering porn so we can see ourselves enjoying sex and get off on that!

Talking about bladder control with potential partners

Q: "I have a spinal cord injury and as a result have no bladder control, which becomes a big source of personal anxiety anticipating potential intimate encounters. I do not use a personal mobility aid, so there's less physical marker of disability, which makes any conversation or experiences a surprise for potential partners. Any tips on how to bring up the bladder control issue before entering the bedroom, communication tips if there's leakage during, and products to make the experience less messy/more pleasant?"

A: Thanks for this question. I know this is a sensitive topic and not an easy one to bring up with potential partners. I would say before you get intimate sit down with them and discuss all aspects of what you like in bed and what could happen. Talking about it in a matter of fact way helps the other person feel more comfortable. Talking about what your partner likes in bed and whatever else might come up also helps shift the focus from being only about you to being about your potential experiences together. This conversation beforehand will help you communicate if it happens during sex, and just be open laughing it off, cause all sex is messy! As for products to make the experience better, putting a towel under you will help your anxiety about possible leakage. Also, hospital pads are a great and cheap way to minimize mess as you can just throw them away afterward.

Spasticity and Orgasms

Q: "I have mild spastic Cerebral Palsy and I’m afraid to orgasm because I’m worried it might be painful. Do you have any advice?"





A: Yes! This is a common concern for people with CP. For folks who don’t know, spasticity causes muscles to be really tight and spasm - this can lead to pain! When people orgasm, most often their muscles get tight (this is true for anyone, not just people with CP). So, for those with CP, we have to be creative! Here are tips to help you enjoy your orgasms. Get into a comfortable position. This might mean bending your legs so they don’t push against whatever is surrounding you or what you are lying on. Using pillows to brace the impact of your muscles tightening can be really helpful as well. Also if you take anti-spastic medication, maybe time your fun around when you take your medication so your muscles are more relaxed. Also, and I know many people think the goal of sex and masturbation is to orgasm, but it’s not! Sex is a journey and it’s all about pleasure. So just explore your body and try different things and most of all, have fun!