Accessible Strap-ons and vibrators for limited mobility

Q: I am looking to get a strap on. However, I have limited mobility and poor fine motor controls with limited use of my hands. I will need to be able to put it on myself because I am not allowed to hire my own aides because of how the agency works. Do you have any recommendations for a vibrator that is easy to hold and operate? What about a harness that goes on like underwear? Thank you! Happy holidays to you and yours!



A: These are great questions. You are in luck because are tons of different kinds of harnesses! Wetforher makes a boxer brief harness that goes on exactly like underwear. However, I would encourage you to look at thigh harnesses as they are super easy to put on! They are basically fabric with velcro that fits to your thigh. Also if none of these work for you, there are places that can make you a custom fit harnesses to practically any part of your body! I recommend checking out Unicorn Collaborators for that. As for an accessible vibrator - The Moxie is excellent. It attaches to your underwear with a magnet so it’s completely hands-free once put in place.

Genital Pain and Intimacy

Q: "I have vulvodynia and other chronic pain conditions and I don't spend a lot of time with my bits because pain, and effort, and it's just... not very fun, or appealing? But I'm dating someone who's very sexual, and I like doing things with them and the way my body feels when things get steamy, and it's clear that they're up for doing more but are letting me set the pace.





I don't really know how to... introduce them to my genitals? I can tell them the things that will definitely feel *bad*, but I can't really tell them what feels *good* because I genuinely don't know, and I get really self-conscious in the moment. The last few partners I've had have either been super anxious about inadvertently hurting me (which then made me super anxious), or I've felt like I needed to push through the pain because it was probably inevitable and I didn't want it to stop us from having a good time. My pain levels have also gotten worse since the last time I negotiated intimacy like this, so I'm extra nervous about trying again two years later.





I'd appreciate any advice you can offer!"





A: Thanks for your question. I have some ideas for your situation. In terms of how to talk about your genitals, I would suggest having this discussion in a relaxed non-sexual setting. That way, you both can have a good discussion and your partner can ask questions and you can brainstorm together and talk about your wants, desires, do’s, and don't’s. Having a safeword or gesture helps during sex. Safewords can be anything and when either of you needs to pause or stop. You can just say it instead of worrying about explaining what you are feeling at the moment. Reassure your partner that they are not hurting you rather this is just how your body works. You have every right to say stop when you need to, you shouldn’t force yourself through the pain for your partner's sake, because I guarantee your partner wouldn’t want you to either, sex is all about the journey of mutual pleasure. Also if this is appealing for you, experiment with masturbation. See what feels good/neutral and what doesn't, and take it slow, don’t try to force anything. Then when you are with a person you can tell them what you’ve experienced as pleasurable. Also, note there are SO many different ways to have sex that aren’t centered on genitalia or penetration. The body has so many ergonous zones for you to experience pleasure and even orgasms for some people!

Chronic Fatigue and Surgeries & Maintaining Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship

Q: “My partner and I haven’t had sex for a long time - months, maybe even 6 months to a year because of all of my recent surgeries and chronic fatigue. How can I make sure we are meeting each other’s needs, even when I feel horrible?”




A: Thanks for the question. I have a few ideas. Mutual masturbation is a good way to get off but you don’t have to exert a lot of energy. If you don’t have the energy or ability to get off yourself, you can instruct your partner exactly how you want them to get themselves off. This way you are exerting less energy but are still involved. Talking dirty is also a great low energy way to still connect with your partner and make them feel sexy. You don’t even need to act on what you say to them. Lastly, talk to your partner and explain how you feel. Ask them what they need to feel fulfilled and maybe brainstorm together more creative ways to create sexual intimacy.

Porn with people with disabilites

Q: “Any recs on porn or porn stars, sites, or films who are disabled, without being fetishized? Generally looking to watch some great porn, with people who happen to have visible disabilities.”

A: Unfortunately there is not a lot of quality representation of people with disabilities in the porn industry. As you mentioned, most porn that does have PwDs fetishizes them. The only example that comes to mind is this video featuring a gay quadriplegic porn star. There so needs to be more porn that features people of all abilities! There is a lot of demeaning and degrading porn with PwDs, there needs to more realistic and empowering porn so we can see ourselves enjoying sex and get off on that!

Spasticity and Orgasms

Q: "I have mild spastic Cerebral Palsy and I’m afraid to orgasm because I’m worried it might be painful. Do you have any advice?"





A: Yes! This is a common concern for people with CP. For folks who don’t know, spasticity causes muscles to be really tight and spasm - this can lead to pain! When people orgasm, most often their muscles get tight (this is true for anyone, not just people with CP). So, for those with CP, we have to be creative! Here are tips to help you enjoy your orgasms. Get into a comfortable position. This might mean bending your legs so they don’t push against whatever is surrounding you or what you are lying on. Using pillows to brace the impact of your muscles tightening can be really helpful as well. Also if you take anti-spastic medication, maybe time your fun around when you take your medication so your muscles are more relaxed. Also, and I know many people think the goal of sex and masturbation is to orgasm, but it’s not! Sex is a journey and it’s all about pleasure. So just explore your body and try different things and most of all, have fun!

Getting aroused during diaper changes

Q: "I'm 18 yr old girl, Have CP, I get aroused when my mom changes my diaper and cleans me, is that normal? what should I do abt it?"




A: Thanks for your question. It is totally normal for a teenager to get aroused at non-sexual activities. Is there any way you could masturbate to relieve your self? If you take the time to do this, you may find yourself getting less aroused in this situation. Even if you need help, you can do assisted masturbation. This is when someone sets you up with whatever you need to masturbate and then leaves the room until you are done. This can look a lot of different ways depending on what your access needs are, and also requires an honest conversation with whoever you need to help you beforehand to make sure they understand you are not asking for sex.