Low Stamina and Limited Flexibility during Sex

Q1: What are some ways to handle low staminal and exercise intolerance when trying to have sex? Often my own fatigue gets in the way of me doing the things I'd like to do. Do you have any tips on how to combat this?

Q2 I have chronic pain, limited flexibility and I am easily exhausted! Do you have any tips for how to talk about AND have sex when I get tired so easily?? (Ps thank you for creating this space and sharing your expertise! )

A: Thank you for both of your questions, I have opted to put both in the same post since they are very similar! In terms of low stamina, I would suggest viewing sex as a journey not a race to orgasm. Sex (if you have the time) can even be an all-day activity with breaks and naps, etc. These might be the most intimate times as you and your partner can relax and enjoy each other’s company and bodies. If you don’t have all day, you could just focus on one thing at a time. That way, you can really enjoy that one activity and not have to worry about the next as much. Sex can be at whatever pace you want, you do not need to wear yourself out doing one thing. Be open to sex looking a lot of different ways, you can take a passive role but still be involved in sex. Whether that’s instructing your partner on what to do to themselves or you, or mutual masturbation, etc.


As for your limited flexibility and chronic pain, definitely look into wedges and toys to help alleviate some of what you are feeling. The Liberator is an excellent example of a toy mount/wedge to help make different sex positions easier. As for talking to your partner, just have a frank and open dialogue about what you can and can not do in the bedroom, let your partner ask questions, and brainstorm together how you two can make it work.

Considering Nonmonogamy

Q: Have you ever considered consensual nonmonogamy? I know there are ways to be intimate when disabled, but I feel bad making sex so much work and have considered opening it up for him to sleep with other people (with a set of rules of course)

A: I am all for whatever kind of relationship works for all people involved. However, if you are ONLY considering nonmonogamy because you feel sex is too much work for your partner, I have some tips. Many people think sex is a race to orgasm and that there are only a few ways to have sex, this is so not true! Sex can be cuddling, mutual masturbation, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off, and so so so much more. Sex is simply about experiencing pleasure. If you truly want to be nonmonogamous and think you and your partner would enjoy it, then by all means. But if you are doing this to fix some sense of being a burden or any other problems, then that’s not going to work out well in the end. Talking to your partner about how you are feeling is the only way to relieve yourself of these feelings and figure out what is best for both of you.

Trauma and Sex

Q: “ (cw childhood sexual assault mention)


Hi, I have CFS/ME and fibromyalgia, but I also have chronic vaginal neuropathic pain following a not so successful genital upcycling surgery five years ago (I'm trans). I also have a csa history and consequent C-PTSD. I definitely have a sexuality but I'm afraid to express it in company, because I don't know how to work with fear of physical pain from being touched. Do you have any suggestions/recommendations for how to work with stuff like this? It's ruined a number of relationships over the years, and made me functionally asexual with others.”
A: Thanks for your question. I would suggest playing with sex that does not involve your genitals. That could mean making out, exploring the many other erogenous zones of your body, massage (which is also great for your fibromyalgia), using toys on your partner or your self (in areas that feel pleasurable -which could be anything from your nipples, neck, back of your knees, feet, etc! Everyones different).






In terms of your fatigue, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off is a great way to be intimately involved without physically exerting yourself. You still have the control and can lie next to your partner while they are having fun. Also talking to your partners about how you need to take it slow is a good idea. You don’t have to go into why you need time to become comfortable, or why you might need to stop sometimes, but just explain that this is a part of being with you. There are many different ways one can have sex and feel intimate with their partner, so just keep an open mind, have patience, and communicate!

Chronic Fatigue and Surgeries & Maintaining Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship

Q: “My partner and I haven’t had sex for a long time - months, maybe even 6 months to a year because of all of my recent surgeries and chronic fatigue. How can I make sure we are meeting each other’s needs, even when I feel horrible?”




A: Thanks for the question. I have a few ideas. Mutual masturbation is a good way to get off but you don’t have to exert a lot of energy. If you don’t have the energy or ability to get off yourself, you can instruct your partner exactly how you want them to get themselves off. This way you are exerting less energy but are still involved. Talking dirty is also a great low energy way to still connect with your partner and make them feel sexy. You don’t even need to act on what you say to them. Lastly, talk to your partner and explain how you feel. Ask them what they need to feel fulfilled and maybe brainstorm together more creative ways to create sexual intimacy.