Wednesday, December 30, 2020

T-9 Sex positions

Q: "Hello. I’m a paraplegic from t-9 down and I have some sensation. I also have rods in my spine. My question is, what are the safest sex positions? I’ve been concerned about this as I have a new boyfriend."

A: Thanks for your question! First I am not a doctor, so you should also discuss this with your Doctor especially in regards to the rods in your spine. However. I do have a few tips that could help. I always like to suggest that people think of which position they feel the most comfortable in that not necessarily sexual. Do you naturally like laying on your back, or maybe your side? Then with that information, learn to adapt your most comfortable positions into sexual positions! Be open-minded, sex can look a multitude of ways and it’s all up to you and your new boyfriend to get creative and think about what is gonna work best for both of you. Also, there are awesome props you can get such as pillows, swings, the Liberator for example is an amazing pillow to help you feel comfortable in different positions. So the basic idea is to work with what your body can do instead of trying to do what it can’t. I hope that helps!

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Accessible Strap-ons and vibrators for limited mobility

Q: I am looking to get a strap on. However, I have limited mobility and poor fine motor controls with limited use of my hands. I will need to be able to put it on myself because I am not allowed to hire my own aides because of how the agency works. Do you have any recommendations for a vibrator that is easy to hold and operate? What about a harness that goes on like underwear? Thank you! Happy holidays to you and yours!

A: These are great questions. You are in luck because are tons of different kinds of harnesses! Wetforher makes a boxer brief harness that goes on exactly like underwear. However, I would encourage you to look at thigh harnesses as they are super easy to put on! They are basically fabric with velcro that fits to your thigh. Also if none of these work for you, there are places that can make you a custom fit harnesses to practically any part of your body! I recommend checking out Unicorn Collaborators for that. As for an accessible vibrator - The Moxie is excellent. It attaches to your underwear with a magnet so it’s completely hands-free once put in place.

Monday, August 31, 2020

Limited Hip Mobility + Sex

Q: What are some tips for limited hip mobility?

A: Thanks for that question! To begin, I urge you to broaden your idea of what sex is and can look like. Most people think sex has to fit into this preconceived mold of what we’re taught it is supposed to be. But sex can look like many different things, and it’s really up to the individual and their partner(s) to define it. Sex can be cuddling, or mutual masturbation, or instructing your partner on what to do to themselves or you, etc.

To answer your question more specifically, think of the positions (not sex positions) that your body naturally likes to be in. Do you like laying on your side or your back, or sitting in a chair? Then try to adapt your sex around the positions you are most comfortable in. Maybe having your partner go from behind would be better as you don’t have to spread your legs. Also, talk to your partner about what you can and can not do, and then be open to brainstorming new ways of doing things together! You might be surprised that your partner has ideas that you have not thought of! So creativity, working with (not against) your body, and communication will be key to navigating sex with limited hip mobility.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Exploring your newly disabled body with your partner

Q: Since becoming disabled, I've been having a hard time accepting my changing body and its limitations. This has impacted my sex life, making it pretty much nonexistent, despite newly living with my partner. What are some ways I can help myself feel desirable again and initiate sex with my non-disabled partner who doesn't always fully understand my mobility issues?

A: Thanks for your question. It is completely understandable that you feel uncertain about intimacy with your new body. Here are some tips to get you and your partner connected to your body again! First, go at your own pace. This is not a race! If on some days, weeks, or longer, you don’t feel like exploring intimacy - honor that and focus on other things that make you feel good. The other big thing is communicating! Talk to your partner about what you are going through and what feelings it brings up for you. It is not only good to be on the same page, but it lets your partner know it is not about them when you don’t feel like being intimate. When you are open to exploring, one of the suggestions I have is just letting your partner feel your body, what feels good and what doesn’t. This is not sexual but more intimate and a way for your partner to become familiar with how your body works. Lastly, explore and don’t be afraid to laugh off things that don’t work and keep trying new things that do. Often when stuff does not work it gives you an idea of what might work instead. Hope these tips help!

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Dating apps while disabled

Q: Hey Eva! My question is what dating sites have you had any luck on I been having trouble getting dates on any dating site and I can not help but think it is because of my disability? Are there any dating sites specifically for people with disabilities that you know of? Any of your sage advice would be greatly appreciated!

A: Thanks for this question! So I did do a little research and found a few sites that are specifically for dating for people with disabilities, however, I have not used my self and recommend precaution, as I would imagine this would be a great place for Devotees (people who fetishize disabled people) to go.

So here are a few other tips I have for using more mainstream dating sites, such as Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Lex, Grindr. Etc.

I am a big fan of putting your disability in your profile. I know this is a personal preference, and it sounds like you have done this in some way as well, but here is why I think that’s important. It gives people a better sense of who you are from the get-go. This explanation does not have to be a novel in your bio/messages, you can just say a couple of simple sentences like “Hi! I am Eva, I am a queer sex educator, I have Cerebral Palsy which for me means I’m nonverbal and use a wheelchair, I also like cats, etc...”. This does weed out people, so yes you will get fewer messages, but the people that do message you will be higher quality and already open to the fact that you are disabled. They will have questions, but if asked respectfully can often just mean they want to get to know you. Those who are not respectful or don’t want to date a disabled person are not worth your time anyway.

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Low Stamina and Limited Flexibility during Sex

Q1: What are some ways to handle low staminal and exercise intolerance when trying to have sex? Often my own fatigue gets in the way of me doing the things I'd like to do. Do you have any tips on how to combat this?

Q2 I have chronic pain, limited flexibility and I am easily exhausted! Do you have any tips for how to talk about AND have sex when I get tired so easily?? (Ps thank you for creating this space and sharing your expertise! )

A: Thank you for both of your questions, I have opted to put both in the same post since they are very similar! In terms of low stamina, I would suggest viewing sex as a journey not a race to orgasm. Sex (if you have the time) can even be an all-day activity with breaks and naps, etc. These might be the most intimate times as you and your partner can relax and enjoy each other’s company and bodies. If you don’t have all day, you could just focus on one thing at a time. That way, you can really enjoy that one activity and not have to worry about the next as much. Sex can be at whatever pace you want, you do not need to wear yourself out doing one thing. Be open to sex looking a lot of different ways, you can take a passive role but still be involved in sex. Whether that’s instructing your partner on what to do to themselves or you, or mutual masturbation, etc.

As for your limited flexibility and chronic pain, definitely look into wedges and toys to help alleviate some of what you are feeling. The Liberator is an excellent example of a toy mount/wedge to help make different sex positions easier. As for talking to your partner, just have a frank and open dialogue about what you can and can not do in the bedroom, let your partner ask questions, and brainstorm together how you two can make it work.

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Considering Nonmonogamy

Q: Have you ever considered consensual nonmonogamy? I know there are ways to be intimate when disabled, but I feel bad making sex so much work and have considered opening it up for him to sleep with other people (with a set of rules of course)

A: I am all for whatever kind of relationship works for all people involved. However, if you are ONLY considering nonmonogamy because you feel sex is too much work for your partner, I have some tips. Many people think sex is a race to orgasm and that there are only a few ways to have sex, this is so not true! Sex can be cuddling, mutual masturbation, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off, and so so so much more. Sex is simply about experiencing pleasure. If you truly want to be nonmonogamous and think you and your partner would enjoy it, then by all means. But if you are doing this to fix some sense of being a burden or any other problems, then that’s not going to work out well in the end. Talking to your partner about how you are feeling is the only way to relieve yourself of these feelings and figure out what is best for both of you.

T-9 Sex positions

Q: "Hello. I’m a paraplegic from t-9 down and I have some sensation. I also have rods in my spine. My question is, what are the safest ...