Trauma and Sex

Q: “ (cw childhood sexual assault mention)


Hi, I have CFS/ME and fibromyalgia, but I also have chronic vaginal neuropathic pain following a not so successful genital upcycling surgery five years ago (I'm trans). I also have a csa history and consequent C-PTSD. I definitely have a sexuality but I'm afraid to express it in company, because I don't know how to work with fear of physical pain from being touched. Do you have any suggestions/recommendations for how to work with stuff like this? It's ruined a number of relationships over the years, and made me functionally asexual with others.”
A: Thanks for your question. I would suggest playing with sex that does not involve your genitals. That could mean making out, exploring the many other erogenous zones of your body, massage (which is also great for your fibromyalgia), using toys on your partner or your self (in areas that feel pleasurable -which could be anything from your nipples, neck, back of your knees, feet, etc! Everyones different).






In terms of your fatigue, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off is a great way to be intimately involved without physically exerting yourself. You still have the control and can lie next to your partner while they are having fun. Also talking to your partners about how you need to take it slow is a good idea. You don’t have to go into why you need time to become comfortable, or why you might need to stop sometimes, but just explain that this is a part of being with you. There are many different ways one can have sex and feel intimate with their partner, so just keep an open mind, have patience, and communicate!

Having a Different Anatomy

Q: "What do you say to people you date, whenever it’s appropriate, that you need to talk about how you have anatomy that looks and functions differently than most AMAB people? And how do you deal with rejection for that?"

A: I personally would let them know before you get intimate with them. Maybe having a conversation, not right when you are about to get down, but give them enough time to ask questions. Depending on when you usually get intimate in new relationships, you should talk to your new person a date or two beforehand. You should definitely include the awesome stuff your body can do as well as how it is different. If you are trans, and if you use online dating, you could put it in your profile. That way people know from the get-go and you are on the same page from the start. As for rejection, it does suck, but my point of view is if people are not cool with all of who you are, they are not worthy of being with you.