T-9 Sex positions

Q: "Hello. I’m a paraplegic from t-9 down and I have some sensation. I also have rods in my spine. My question is, what are the safest sex positions? I’ve been concerned about this as I have a new boyfriend."

A: Thanks for your question! First I am not a doctor, so you should also discuss this with your Doctor especially in regards to the rods in your spine. However. I do have a few tips that could help. I always like to suggest that people think of which position they feel the most comfortable in that not necessarily sexual. Do you naturally like laying on your back, or maybe your side? Then with that information, learn to adapt your most comfortable positions into sexual positions! Be open-minded, sex can look a multitude of ways and it’s all up to you and your new boyfriend to get creative and think about what is gonna work best for both of you. Also, there are awesome props you can get such as pillows, swings, the Liberator for example is an amazing pillow to help you feel comfortable in different positions. So the basic idea is to work with what your body can do instead of trying to do what it can’t. I hope that helps!

Exploring your newly disabled body with your partner

Q: Since becoming disabled, I've been having a hard time accepting my changing body and its limitations. This has impacted my sex life, making it pretty much nonexistent, despite newly living with my partner. What are some ways I can help myself feel desirable again and initiate sex with my non-disabled partner who doesn't always fully understand my mobility issues?

A: Thanks for your question. It is completely understandable that you feel uncertain about intimacy with your new body. Here are some tips to get you and your partner connected to your body again! First, go at your own pace. This is not a race! If on some days, weeks, or longer, you don’t feel like exploring intimacy - honor that and focus on other things that make you feel good. The other big thing is communicating! Talk to your partner about what you are going through and what feelings it brings up for you. It is not only good to be on the same page, but it lets your partner know it is not about them when you don’t feel like being intimate. When you are open to exploring, one of the suggestions I have is just letting your partner feel your body, what feels good and what doesn’t. This is not sexual but more intimate and a way for your partner to become familiar with how your body works. Lastly, explore and don’t be afraid to laugh off things that don’t work and keep trying new things that do. Often when stuff does not work it gives you an idea of what might work instead. Hope these tips help!

Dating apps while disabled

Q: Hey Eva! My question is what dating sites have you had any luck on I been having trouble getting dates on any dating site and I can not help but think it is because of my disability? Are there any dating sites specifically for people with disabilities that you know of? Any of your sage advice would be greatly appreciated!

A: Thanks for this question! So I did do a little research and found a few sites that are specifically for dating for people with disabilities, however, I have not used my self and recommend precaution, as I would imagine this would be a great place for Devotees (people who fetishize disabled people) to go.

So here are a few other tips I have for using more mainstream dating sites, such as Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Lex, Grindr. Etc.


I am a big fan of putting your disability in your profile. I know this is a personal preference, and it sounds like you have done this in some way as well, but here is why I think that’s important. It gives people a better sense of who you are from the get-go. This explanation does not have to be a novel in your bio/messages, you can just say a couple of simple sentences like “Hi! I am Eva, I am a queer sex educator, I have Cerebral Palsy which for me means I’m nonverbal and use a wheelchair, I also like cats, etc...”. This does weed out people, so yes you will get fewer messages, but the people that do message you will be higher quality and already open to the fact that you are disabled. They will have questions, but if asked respectfully can often just mean they want to get to know you. Those who are not respectful or don’t want to date a disabled person are not worth your time anyway.

Considering Nonmonogamy

Q: Have you ever considered consensual nonmonogamy? I know there are ways to be intimate when disabled, but I feel bad making sex so much work and have considered opening it up for him to sleep with other people (with a set of rules of course)

A: I am all for whatever kind of relationship works for all people involved. However, if you are ONLY considering nonmonogamy because you feel sex is too much work for your partner, I have some tips. Many people think sex is a race to orgasm and that there are only a few ways to have sex, this is so not true! Sex can be cuddling, mutual masturbation, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off, and so so so much more. Sex is simply about experiencing pleasure. If you truly want to be nonmonogamous and think you and your partner would enjoy it, then by all means. But if you are doing this to fix some sense of being a burden or any other problems, then that’s not going to work out well in the end. Talking to your partner about how you are feeling is the only way to relieve yourself of these feelings and figure out what is best for both of you.

How to communicate during sex when you are in pain

Q: how do I bring up pain I’m in without making my partner feel bad or guilty even when it’s not their fault? usually, it’s fine just to mention it and try something different, but I feel like I’m ruining the vibe and end up downplaying the pain I’m experiencing.



A: I totally understand where you’re coming from and I do have a few suggestions! First, if you have not done this already, have a conversation with your partner in a non-sexual setting about your pain in general. Like what triggers pain, what you do to cope/help with your pain, what can your partner do to help (if there even is anything they can do) etc. Let your partner ask questions, so they can learn how best to support you. In terms of when you are having sex - a safe word is an excellent way to quickly inform your partner you need to stop or take a break. It is some times easier to just say one word/gesture than explain exactly what you are feeling in the moment. You don’t have to even explain what happened after you have stopped- you and your partner can just shift into aftercare mode or just take a break. You can also have something similar to a safe word/gesture that will quickly communicate that you need to try something else or that you are in pain without feeling like you are overexplaining/ruining the mood. If you do all these things, you will probably feel less hesitant to express when you are in pain and less likely to downplay your own pain. Remember that sex is all about pleasure - I am sure you’re partner wouldn’t want you to secretly be miserable during sex just because you don’t feel like you can communicate what your feeling.

Disclosing your disability and sexual inexperience with a new partner

Q: How do I let my partner know that I have CP and am a virgin? How do I help him help me?


A: I would recommend good open communication! I know it is hard at first to be that vulnerable with a new partner, but it is critical to not only your pleasure but your safety as well! Tell him how your CP affects your body and what you can and can not do in general. Brainstorm about the fun sexy stuff you can enjoy together. This could be a form of foreplay in and of itself. As for the virgin aspect, it is just as important to communicate this so if you decide to have sex with him, so he can be extra sure to not accidentally push anything too far or hurt you. And during sex is an equally important time to continue the communication of what feels good and what doesn’t, and letting your partner know what you need/or think you might need to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you. I know it can be scary talking about important things such as this, but remember if your partner is not okay or open to any of this, you really shouldn’t be with him in the first place, because there are plenty of people who will accept you for who you are.

Genital Pain and Intimacy

Q: "I have vulvodynia and other chronic pain conditions and I don't spend a lot of time with my bits because pain, and effort, and it's just... not very fun, or appealing? But I'm dating someone who's very sexual, and I like doing things with them and the way my body feels when things get steamy, and it's clear that they're up for doing more but are letting me set the pace.





I don't really know how to... introduce them to my genitals? I can tell them the things that will definitely feel *bad*, but I can't really tell them what feels *good* because I genuinely don't know, and I get really self-conscious in the moment. The last few partners I've had have either been super anxious about inadvertently hurting me (which then made me super anxious), or I've felt like I needed to push through the pain because it was probably inevitable and I didn't want it to stop us from having a good time. My pain levels have also gotten worse since the last time I negotiated intimacy like this, so I'm extra nervous about trying again two years later.





I'd appreciate any advice you can offer!"





A: Thanks for your question. I have some ideas for your situation. In terms of how to talk about your genitals, I would suggest having this discussion in a relaxed non-sexual setting. That way, you both can have a good discussion and your partner can ask questions and you can brainstorm together and talk about your wants, desires, do’s, and don't’s. Having a safeword or gesture helps during sex. Safewords can be anything and when either of you needs to pause or stop. You can just say it instead of worrying about explaining what you are feeling at the moment. Reassure your partner that they are not hurting you rather this is just how your body works. You have every right to say stop when you need to, you shouldn’t force yourself through the pain for your partner's sake, because I guarantee your partner wouldn’t want you to either, sex is all about the journey of mutual pleasure. Also if this is appealing for you, experiment with masturbation. See what feels good/neutral and what doesn't, and take it slow, don’t try to force anything. Then when you are with a person you can tell them what you’ve experienced as pleasurable. Also, note there are SO many different ways to have sex that aren’t centered on genitalia or penetration. The body has so many ergonous zones for you to experience pleasure and even orgasms for some people!

Trauma and Sex

Q: “ (cw childhood sexual assault mention)


Hi, I have CFS/ME and fibromyalgia, but I also have chronic vaginal neuropathic pain following a not so successful genital upcycling surgery five years ago (I'm trans). I also have a csa history and consequent C-PTSD. I definitely have a sexuality but I'm afraid to express it in company, because I don't know how to work with fear of physical pain from being touched. Do you have any suggestions/recommendations for how to work with stuff like this? It's ruined a number of relationships over the years, and made me functionally asexual with others.”
A: Thanks for your question. I would suggest playing with sex that does not involve your genitals. That could mean making out, exploring the many other erogenous zones of your body, massage (which is also great for your fibromyalgia), using toys on your partner or your self (in areas that feel pleasurable -which could be anything from your nipples, neck, back of your knees, feet, etc! Everyones different).






In terms of your fatigue, telling your partner exactly how to get themselves off is a great way to be intimately involved without physically exerting yourself. You still have the control and can lie next to your partner while they are having fun. Also talking to your partners about how you need to take it slow is a good idea. You don’t have to go into why you need time to become comfortable, or why you might need to stop sometimes, but just explain that this is a part of being with you. There are many different ways one can have sex and feel intimate with their partner, so just keep an open mind, have patience, and communicate!

Talking about bladder control with potential partners

Q: "I have a spinal cord injury and as a result have no bladder control, which becomes a big source of personal anxiety anticipating potential intimate encounters. I do not use a personal mobility aid, so there's less physical marker of disability, which makes any conversation or experiences a surprise for potential partners. Any tips on how to bring up the bladder control issue before entering the bedroom, communication tips if there's leakage during, and products to make the experience less messy/more pleasant?"

A: Thanks for this question. I know this is a sensitive topic and not an easy one to bring up with potential partners. I would say before you get intimate sit down with them and discuss all aspects of what you like in bed and what could happen. Talking about it in a matter of fact way helps the other person feel more comfortable. Talking about what your partner likes in bed and whatever else might come up also helps shift the focus from being only about you to being about your potential experiences together. This conversation beforehand will help you communicate if it happens during sex, and just be open laughing it off, cause all sex is messy! As for products to make the experience better, putting a towel under you will help your anxiety about possible leakage. Also, hospital pads are a great and cheap way to minimize mess as you can just throw them away afterward.

How do I support my girlfriend when she is talking to me about her depression?

Q: “My girlfriend has depression and I have rheumatoid arthritis, vitamin deficiencies, and symptoms of Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism (need further evaluation, high likelihood though, parents and grandparents have it). Whenever I talk about my physical struggles, she either doesn’t say anything and listens while she holds my hand, or says the most perfect things. I feel good talking about it with her and she just so darn good with words I feel better and understood. What she does is enough and I am so so so thankful to have her. Whenever she talks about her depression, I get quiet and uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable because I don’t know what to say her. I do listen and let her talk and make sure I’m not talking over her, but I want to say something back to her. Sometimes I’m really really trying to listen but I get too into my own head about what I’m going to say to her and I feel guilty for not listening. I want her to know that I am there for her. I want to say more things other than “I love you,” “that sucks,” “I’m sorry,” “i don’t know what to say,” “I’m glad you’re getting the help you need” “oh.” What other things can I say and how do I feel less uncomfortable when she talks about depression?”




A: Thanks for such a good question. I have a few suggestions. I would say to have a talk with your girlfriend when she is feeling okay about what she would like you to do to make her feel more supported. You can even say that you want to say and do more when she is struggling with depression, but you don’t always know what to say. Also saying that your quietness does not mean you are uninterested or not wanting to talk about her depression will help. Discussing how perfectly she supports you and voicing that you want to do the same for her might be a good way to open up this conversation. I can not give you other things to say to help her feel better because everyone is different and depression doesn’t work like that. But hopefully just having this conversation will give you a better idea of what would make her feel supported when she needs it. You don’t have to overthink saying the right thing all the time, sometimes just being there and showing that you are physically and emotionally present and not freak out by her struggles will make her feel comfortable just voicing these things to you. I would also recommend doing your own research on what exactly depression is, because there are a lot of misconceptions, and many people will take other people’s depression personally or think they need to somehow “fix it”. But having this conversation, doing your own research, and just simply being there for your partner can make a huge difference. You sound like such a caring person that she will definitely appreciate this conversation.

Having a Different Anatomy

Q: "What do you say to people you date, whenever it’s appropriate, that you need to talk about how you have anatomy that looks and functions differently than most AMAB people? And how do you deal with rejection for that?"

A: I personally would let them know before you get intimate with them. Maybe having a conversation, not right when you are about to get down, but give them enough time to ask questions. Depending on when you usually get intimate in new relationships, you should talk to your new person a date or two beforehand. You should definitely include the awesome stuff your body can do as well as how it is different. If you are trans, and if you use online dating, you could put it in your profile. That way people know from the get-go and you are on the same page from the start. As for rejection, it does suck, but my point of view is if people are not cool with all of who you are, they are not worthy of being with you.